Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Keeping The World Safe From Chinese Imperialism

Hillary Clinton—everyone's second favorite Secretary of State, after Henry Kissinger—recently said, on a visit to Zambia (that's in Africa), “we don't want to see a new colonialism in Africa.” She was apparently speaking of the Chinese, because then she said that Washington was "concerned that China's foreign assistance and investment practices in Africa have not always been consistent with generally accepted international norms of transparency and good governance." I see. Chinese energy companies have been brazenly bribing African locales with new schools, roads, and other infrastructure, all in an attempt to gain access to natural resources, which it surely plans to selfishly horde. The gall.

Clearly though, the Chinese don't realize that transparency can be best learned from the government of the United States. In order to make your intentions known, the most obvious step should be a military invasion, or if that doesn't work out, then at least build a huge military base in the country next door and act belligerently until you get what you want. That would be the transparent thing to do, but no, China insists on pretending to be peaceful capitalist traders, using boosts to the local economies to make the people think it might be a good idea to do business with them. Hello Africa, these are communists! "Peaceful trade" my foot. How long can that last? 50 years? 100? And then boom! They'll communize you. Suckers.

In conclusion, Africa will be lucky if NATO, lead by the US, prevents Chinese colonization by invading as many areas as possible and building bases to prevent advancement by the Chinese. The NATO countries have historical experience in Africa anyway, so it would be a good fit. NATO countries like Portugal, Spain, Belgium, France, Italy, and the UK used to control the entire continent, so it would be perfect and fitting for them to invade, build tons of bases, and bring in hundreds of thousands of civilians from their countries to live there in order to prevent colonization. In fact, the US already has a plan for this, but they have wisely extrapolated it for the whole world. Here's a picture.

See? Divide it up into military zones, build a thousand bases, patrol the seas and skies with mighty military force, and everyone* is happy. Keeping the world safe from colonial oppressors, like usual.

*Except for the evil and oppressive Chinese imperialists, of course.

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