Keeping The World Safe From Chinese Imperialism

Hillary Clinton—everyone's second favorite Secretary of State, after Henry Kissinger—recently said, on a visit to Zambia (that's in Africa), “we don't want to see a new colonialism in Africa.” She was apparently speaking of the Chinese, because then she said that Washington was "concerned that China's foreign assistance and investment practices in Africa have not always been consistent with generally accepted international norms of transparency and good governance." I see. Chinese energy companies have been brazenly bribing African locales with new schools, roads, and other infrastructure, all in an attempt to gain access to natural resources, which it surely plans to selfishly horde. The gall.

Clearly though, the Chinese don't realize that transparency can be best learned from the government of the United States. In order to make your intentions known, the most obvious step should be a military invasion, or if that doesn't work out, then at least build a huge military base in the country next door and act belligerently until you get what you want. That would be the transparent thing to do, but no, China insists on pretending to be peaceful capitalist traders, using boosts to the local economies to make the people think it might be a good idea to do business with them. Hello Africa, these are communists! "Peaceful trade" my foot. How long can that last? 50 years? 100? And then boom! They'll communize you. Suckers.

In conclusion, Africa will be lucky if NATO, lead by the US, prevents Chinese colonization by invading as many areas as possible and building bases to prevent advancement by the Chinese. The NATO countries have historical experience in Africa anyway, so it would be a good fit. NATO countries like Portugal, Spain, Belgium, France, Italy, and the UK used to control the entire continent, so it would be perfect and fitting for them to invade, build tons of bases, and bring in hundreds of thousands of civilians from their countries to live there in order to prevent colonization. In fact, the US already has a plan for this, but they have wisely extrapolated it for the whole world. Here's a picture.



See? Divide it up into military zones, build a thousand bases, patrol the seas and skies with mighty military force, and everyone* is happy. Keeping the world safe from colonial oppressors, like usual.



*Except for the evil and oppressive Chinese imperialists, of course.

Patty Murray For The Win! Wait, Nevermind.

I just got an email from Senator Patty Murray highlighting her many legislative achievements, including Protecting America's Workers by updating the 1970 OSHA travesty, Bringing Technology to the Classroom (huzzah! Children can finally learn!), Going to Bat for Seattle Sports Fans (exactly why she was elected, by the way), and Highlighting the Unseen Human Costs of War in Afghanistan, in which the Senator emphasizes the need for these often unseen human costs to be factored in drawdown decisions… what!? Could it be?



If you can make it through that awake, she was referring to the unseen human costs as it applies to Americans. And here I thought she was calling for an end to the needless and destructive occupation of a foreign country which has resulted in the (unseen) deaths of thousands of unwilling noncombatants, sometimes referred to as "collateral damage." That'll teach me to be optimistic.

Well, since we're on the subject, here's a video of some collateral damage.



Turns out "collateral damage" is actual people. Maybe if the Senator saw some of these unseen costs she'd be less of a lickspittle (see 0:05 to 0:12 in the video) to the murderous fiends who direct those heroic drone attacks.

Astonishingly, there are some Americans who wish this kind of destruction on their own country. One of them is an Elected-American, Congressperson Dana Rohrabacher of California, who recently hinted that Iraq should start thinking about paying the US back for the generosity it has shown over the last decade. The real kicker comes when he says, "We could certainly use some people to care about our situation as we have cared about theirs." See? He wants the Iraqi army—and maybe the Afghans too—to invade us, traipse around the country kicking in doors, confiscate weapons, execute disobedient mundanes, and generally assault the entire population while destroying the economy and pulverizing whatever infrastructure they come across. And then, of course, stage a mock trial and execute the president, and then install a puppet government that will do whatever needs to be done to make sure their bribes keep coming. I'm not sure why Dana thinks "we" could use that kind of care. Maybe it's because he's a jackass.

Michael Rozeff sees this kind of delusion as an insight into the mentality of the DC parasite class. While he does an excellent analysis on the meaning of the jackass Rohrabacher's statements, he doesn't go so far as to say that people like the jackass should, at a minimum, be handed over to the very people he demands payment from to collect from them personally, like I would have said. He would need to take beatings or personal checks in lieu of cash.

Compromise

Normally I hate compromise. It reveals a lack of principle on the part of the compromiser, and it earns a healthy disrespect. But, as with everything, there are exceptions, and I've been thinking about this for a while and have decided that I'm willing to give some ground on an important issue.

In 1947 the Department of Defense was created to replace the Department of War and the Department of the Navy. I've been of the opinion that it should go back to War, if not Offense, but I realize that probably isn't going to happen. I can see how it would diminish the effectiveness of tricking the "fight them over there so we don't have to fight them over here" crowd into thinking that there is any actual national defense going on, so I have an idea. I'm willing to allow DoD to keep it's current name, but with one minor adjustment. It should be the Department of "Defense" instead. It still sounds the same, but reflects reality in a much more accurate manner. I'll try it out. In a recent report from the Department of "Defense," blah blah blah. I think it works.

Other executive departments that are named in such a way as to cause uproarious laughter due to the disparity of their name and their actual function:

Treasury
Justice
Agriculture
Labor
Health and Human Services
Housing and Urban Development
Transportation
Energy
Education
Homeland Security